Riots Break Out Over Subway Meat Slicing

0 Posted by - November 3, 2012 - Food News & Opinion, Satire

Roughing the streets and going after the hard-hitting issues of our time. Arby’s had hired a retired NYC detective to investigate the biggest conspiracy to ever be forced into the mouths of the American public: Subway meat slicing.

Americans are still unsure what information to believe from the “glowing box” in the living room due to the Roswell and JFK misunderstanding. Now they are forced to deal with this. Apparently nearly every red blooded American has been under the impression that Subway has been slicing the hunks of colored blobs that line their sandwiches in “the back”. This however is apparently not the case. After a multi-million dollar investigation, Arby’s private eye has uncovered an upsetting the truth.

Subway ships in pre-sliced meat! 


Once Americans learned about horrific joke being portrayed upon their pallets, riots broke out around the country. In Topeka, KS one woman shouted out “Why is you been lyin’ to me about Subway meat slicing” before hurling a six inch turkey bacon on wheat into the face of an unsuspecting 19 year old Sandwich Artist. “We had no idea that people didn’t understand that our meat came pre-sliced” said one Sandwich artist. “I’m just doing this job to make some extra money to get some weed money”.  A second angry customer wearing a Fox News baseball cap and half buttoned down collared shirt with the American flag design embroidered on it shouted “show us your meat slicer” as he circled the parking lot.

“I don’t think Arby’s saw this coming.”

Said one villager who was across the street watching the riot grow. As of the time that we published this story, more than 73 subways were under attack with several sandwich artists being held hostage in meat coolers by outraged customers. “We can go back to slicing fresh meat” screamed one woman as she was pelted with honey baked ham slices from an angry elderly woman who demanded the chain accept the “subway stamps” she collected in the late 1980’s.

As this story develops, we will bring you the latest.

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Note: this story is intended as satire, we shouldn’t have to tell you that but for legal reasons will.

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